The Florida Marlins are 315-333 since they won the 2003 World Series.

They're coming off an off-season in which they found it necessary to trade the only two players on their roster most of the nation could pick out of a lpolice ineup.

And their grand plan to improve on an MLB-worst attendance average of 16,919 hinges upon ... fat guys dancing.

With that kind of strategic thinking, it's almost hard to believe that Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria ran the Montreal Expos so far into the ground they came out on the other side of the Canada-U.S. border as the Washington Nationals.

So while the New York Post sends a Jessica Simpson look-alike to torment Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Green Bay's Fox affiliate is showing off its rooting interests/lack of journalistic integrity by denying Giants quarterback Eli Manning the opportunity to watch his favorite television show while he's in town to take on the Packers in Sunday's NFC title game. 

WLUK general manager Jay Zollar explained the decision to pull the station's regularly scheduled 5:30 p.m. Saturday showing of Seinfeld thusly:

"We don't want to give any comfort to the enemy whatsoever when they come into town. We know laughter is a good medicine and we decided we're not going to give that to him."

Zollar might not know it, but we have it from a good sports industry source (OK, so it's not that good a source … it's former Yankees assistant to the traveling secretary George Costanza) that Manning relies on Seinfeld for more than just mere entertainment.

For instance, we swear we've heard Manning shouting "Serenity now!" at Amani Toomer in the Giants huddle. In addition, it is believed Manning's game plan for improving on his Week 2 performance against the Packers entails some variation of the vaunted Costanza "opposite" theory.

Plus, with no Seinfeld to watch, Manning may find himself tempted by the "adult" offerings on the hotel's pay-per-view service.

Shortly after which, he will cease to be master of his own domain.

Having come to the long-overdue conclusion that their public relations were desperately in need of some coordinating, the New York Knicks are looking to hire (appropriately enough) a public relations coordinator.

But cleaning up James Dolan's messes isn't for everyone. According to the posting, you must be able to answer in the affirmative to the following questions.

1. Yes/No: I have at least 1 year of public relations experience with a sports team.

2. Yes/No: I have previous public relations experience with a NBA/ WNBA /D-League team.

3. Yes/No: Are you available to work evenings and weekends?

Now, while the ad didn't explicitly address them, here are some other queries that are likely to be a part of the interview process.

4. Yes/No: Are you willing to have carnal relations with the team's starting point guard in the back seat of his truck while parked outside a strip club?

5. Yes/No: Is it more offensive for a white man to call a black woman a b**** than it is for a black man to call a black woman a b*****?

6. Yes/No: Trading for Zach Randolph was a shrewd move from a public relations standpoint.

If you answered "Yes" to all of the above questions, then you may be qualified to be harassed by Isiah Thomas!

On the same day that Bud Selig and Don Fehr were on Capitol Hill to have a little chat with the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, this little nugget came to our attention thanks to FOXSports.com's own little rumormonger, Ben Maller:

NBC executives may have been juiced over American Gladiators' stellar debut, but the gladiators themselves were all natural. That's because NBC Universal subjected the gladiators to steroid testing before they could appear on the show. The 12 cast members were tested as part of their medical examinations and then required to sign a document saying that they were clean and that they could be tested at any time.

So to sum up …

While Fehr is dragging his feet on retroactively testing blood samples for HGH when a test becomes available, NBC can make Lazer and Nitro pee in a cup anytime it damn well wants to.

And when Lazer and Nitro are subject to more stringent steroid testing than Clemens and Tejada, you know there's still work for MLB to do.

I don't know if the New York Post's little fake Jessica Simpson stunt (in which 21-year-old nanny and Simpson look-alike Lynsey Nordstrom attended the game wearing the same pink No. 9 Cowboys jersey the aformentioned Yoko Romo wore during Dallas' regular-season loss to Philadelphia) had any effect whatsoever on the outcome of Sunday's Giants-Cowboys playoff game.

But I do know this: I'm now rooting wholeheartedly for a Giants-Patriots showdown in Super Bowl XLII.

Sure, the Packers might be more competitive and a Super Bowl appearance would be a fitting swan song for Brett Favre.

But the fake Gisele Bundchen-fake Bridget Moynahan cat fight on the sidelines of University of Phoenix Stadium would just be epic.

Joakim Noah wasn't voted off the island … but it was close.

Having decided that a one-game suspension was insufficient punishment after Noah was involved in a confrontation with assistant coach Ron Adams, the rest of his teammates unanimously voted in favor of benching the rookie for another game.

Seeing as how it is an election year, we think it would be only fitting if the Bulls continue to vote on any number of Noah-related matters throughout the rest of the season. Such as …

- Is it time for Noah to get a big boy haircut?

- Should Noah have to don the suit he wore to the NBA draft along with big floppy shoes and a fake red nose and visit kids in Chicago-area hospitals?

- For how long should Noah be forced to attend dance lessons at Arthur Murray to ensure that scenes like this one are never ever repeated?

Democracy in action is a beautiful thing. God bless America.

Terrell Owens is not about to let Jessica Simpson tear apart the Cowboys locker room and ruin the team's shot at a Super Bowl season.

Come on, doesn't she know that's his job?

And no pink jersey-wearing, pizza-selling hussy is going to come into his house and take that away from him … even if she is dating the starting quarterback.

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite — in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," Owens said Wednesday, three days after teammate Tony Romo appeared to be a wee bit distracted by Simpson's presence during the Cowboys' 10-6 loss to the Eagles.

"With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony (Romo) played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away. Other than that, she was high on my list until last week."

So take that, Yoko … I mean, Jessica.

Now for T.O.'s sake, we certainly hope Simpson heeds Owens' warning. Because after last season's suici ... er, accidental overdose, there's not really much room left for Owens to up the ante when it comes to chemistry-wrecking maneuvers.

Peace on earth, good will toward men.

Unless of course, you were found to have financed a major dogfighting operation and compounded the horrors associated with that blood sport by executing several of your dogs via electrocution, drowning and hanging.

In that case, a mighty "Bah, Humbug!" to you.

That's the Christmas greeting PETA is sending to Northern Neck Regional Jail, where Michael Vick is currently serving 23 months after pleading guilty to one count of conspiracy to operate an interstate dogfighting ring.

And thanks to PETA, you can send that same greeting to anyone you wish.

The animals rights advocate has created an e-card that features the disgraced former NFL quarterback pacing back and forth in a prison yard, trapped in a snow globe, while an announcer repeatedly exclaims, "They got to the quarterback's blindside there. He never had a chance."

Because, hey, nothing spreads yuletide cheer like mocking the recently incarcerated.

When your sport is teetering on the edge of irrelevance, sometimes you've got to get a little creative with regard to your marketing strategy.

Roger Federer staking his claim as the greatest male tennis player of all time not doing anything to float your boat? OK, how about if we poison Tommy Haas on the eve of a key Davis Cup match with Russia? Just, you know, hypothetically speaking, would that get your attention?

Not going to tune in for Kim Clijsters' farewell tour? OK, we've got a legal dispute involving a #### shot of one of our lovely lady competitors and another one testing positive for cocaine. Now if we could only somehow combine the two, then we'd really have something for our promotions department to work with.

Hey, don't blame us. We tried a good, old-fashioned gambling scandal and it didn't move the needle one damn bit.

And if this doesn't work, we're going to have Nicole Vaidisova make it rain at a dog fight where Tim Donaghy and O.J. Simpson are both betting big.

Get used to it. We aren't going to be ignored any longer.

So I was all set to blog on the Indians just "coincidentally" bringing in Josh Beckett's ex to sing the national anthem and God Bless America for Game 5 of the ALCS ... when out of nowhere my girlfriend from sophomore year of college showed up at FOXSports.com's palatial Beverly Hills offices on some sort of all-expenses paid trip courtesy of the Disney corporation. She's staring over my shoulder as I write and it's throwing me off my game a little bit.

Plus now there's some sort of insect infestation in the newsroom. I'm losing my train of thought every time I accidentally #### one of the little suckers and junior editors are having to rub Deep Woods Off on the back of my neck in between sentences.

And they're threatening to call HR on me.

It's all very distracting and I blame the Cleveland Indians organization for introducing these unsportsmanlike tactics into the mainstream.

But if they've got Alyssa Milano -- another of Beckett's exes -- rocking some Indians gear in one of the seats right behind home plate, I may forgive them.

Eric Schnupp, Baylor's offensive line/tight ends coach, was issued a citation early Sunday for disorderly conduct-reckless exposure after the first-year assistant allegedly urinated on the bar at a Waco-area tavern.

I'm sure it will shock none of you to learn that Schnupp played his college ball at the University of Miami, where this sort of conduct doesn't even crack the "also receiving votes" section of the Top 25 Antisocial Behaviors Exhibited by Past, Present and Future Hurricanes poll.

That being said, it's not exactly the most mature way to express your disappointment over closing time being announced.

And given what happened earlier this year in a bar down in Big 12 country, it's also probably not wise to give fans of opposing programs an opening like that.

At least on the surface, it seems downright adorable that 17 members of the Minnesota Wild are bringing their mommies with them on their current West Coast road trip.

But we're telling you right now, Bring Your Mother to the Traditional Post-Game Strip Club Excursion Day is going to be just a wee bit awkward.

OK, now we think we understand how the Fighting Irish went into the Rose Bowl a three-touchdown underdog and emerged with its first win of the 2007 season. And no, it had nothing to do with the five turnovers committed by the Bruins' third-string walk-on quarterback, McLeod Bethel-Thompson.

Clearly, it was the end result of a bizarre and unholy voodoo ritual involving the body of Notre Dame legend George Gipp.

It all makes sense.

Shortly after Gipp's body was exhumed – 87 years after his mythical "win one for the Gipper" deathbed speech – Notre Dame wins a game in which it managed just 140 yards of total offense and totaled just 24 yards on its four scoring drives. Coincidence? We think not.

We would suggest Charlie Weis' willingness to dabble in the occult would put him squarely on the hot seat at Notre Dame, but we all know that the only thing that upsets the priests in South Bend more than an alliance with the dark prince is a losing season.

Well, that was disappointing.

After God derailed the Yankees in Game 2 of the ALDS by firing off a plague of locusts at Joba Chamberlain, we were expecting some Old Testament-style fireworks in Game 4.

After all, we fully expected Him to take Game 3 off for the Sabbath; how else can you explain -- at least from a theological standpoint -- New York avoiding the sweep?

But there were no frogs raining down on Yankee Stadium, Alex Rodriguez didn't break out into any unhealable boils and the Angel of Death didn't visit any of the Steinbrenner children Monday night.

Just a leadoff home run from Grady Sizemore, five surprisingly strong innings from Paul Byrd and a meltdown of admittedly Biblical proportions from Chien-Ming Wang.

Sure, it was an impressive display by the Indians, but certainly not the "wrath of God" type ending we were anticipating for the Evil Empire, although that may be coming soon.

In fact, we fully expect Scott Boras to show up at Steinbrenner's office any day now and demand, "Let my people go!"

And no, when we started on this little trip through the Book of Exodus, we really didn't think we'd end up with Scott Boras as Moses. But sometimes, that's how blogging goes ...

In what is being touted as the first shoe designed specifically for Native Americans (and really, isn't it shocking that no one had ever thought to design a shoe specifically for Native Americans until now?), Nike introduced the Air Native N7 on Tuesday.

According to the company, the shoe is not only designed with the distinct foot shape of American Indians in mind, but will also have a culturally distinctive look to it. The shoes will also be made available to tribal schools at wholesale prices, with the intention that they be passed along to the individual consumer for little or no cost.

At least on first glance, it appears to be a worthwhile program aimed at a group that historically has experienced significant problems with obesity and other health-related issues.

And as a bonus, it'll be a great way to get rid of all those unsold Zoom Vick V shoes.